fire to the soul

It comes up in almost everything I do. Its patience and it’s something I usually lack, which is why I never finished learning how to knit, why I never learned to play the guitar and ultimately why I’m always in a hurry. I’m the type of person who likes to see results, and I like to see them fast! I rush into relationships, speed when I drive and I get anxious at the idea of something taking too long – even if it’s life. Yes you heard me I want life to hurry up sometimes. For instance I want to find my path, like where life is taking me next, cause right now my path looks like it’s taking me back to live in my Mom’s basement, to my make shift room, and I kind of resent the idea of doing this (sorry Ma).

Recently I called my Mom with the sole intention of asking her one question, it was “even as a child was I always this impatient?” Her answer immediately with zero hesitation was “YES!” Dammit! So this has been a part of who I am since I was a child! No wonder why it’s been so hard to try and change, because at this point I feel as if I’ve only shaved off one of the many layers that this, we’ll call it a flaw, is made up of.

I remember while I was growing up that I was always looking around and hoping that my prince charming would hurry up and find me. Unfortunately impatience of this kind definitely played a negative role in my teen years, as I continuously thought that every guy I was seeing would be the one I would marry. What I did was settle, and I settled for almost any guy who would pay attention to me. Unhealthy? VERY! In that time I dated some pretty ridiculous guys, who now I think back to and say what was I doing?! So this brings me to today’s lessons.

Lesson # 7 – Don’t settle

This lesson can be used in many aspects of our lives, but ultimately means don’t stay in a place in which you are not happy, and also don’t settle for half ass – meaning, work hard and do what you are capable of. But I want to focus on the relationships aspects of this lesson.

I have been mulling this lesson over in my brain for a while because I really don’t know how to describe how I learned it and I couldn’t come up with the right words to do it justice. But this is what I managed to come up with. On the day of the accident, Wally and I had a conversation about my past boyfriends, he seemed to be confused as to why I chose the guys I did, and to be quite honest I don’t know why I picked some of the (I’m not saying they’re all bad, but there was definitely some that I was not compatible with). He asked me “why did you settle?” and my answer was that I didn’t know why. Now in comparison to Wally, my ex-boyfriends didn’t compare, he dumbfounded me on a regular basis. It was when he would divide large numbers to the decimal point, or because he had the memory of an elephant or how he would think through every possible situation, he was exceptional in so many ways. Now that day during our philosophical discussion on the dock I told him that he made me feel inferior. I explained that it was not because I was lacking confidence but because he always found ways to amaze me, he truly was just that, he was superior.

I know now that it will take a VERY special man to entice me into a relationship. I’ve learned not to jump at any chance I get and I know that one day I might find someone who will stun me and challenge me as much as Walter did. And I’m sharing this personal experience with you in hopes that maybe you can take something from this and even if it’s once, you choose not settle for something that isn’t worth you. I feel that we should never settle for mediocre love, we should only settle for the type of love that brings fire to the soul and happiness to the heart.