Entry Number One

I guess I should start with the reason why I’ve decided to start blogging. In the past I’ve used writing as an activity to help me clarify my thoughts and to release emotions. At times it has been very therapeutic. Lately I’ve been writing about something that I feel might benefit others to read, which is why I’ve decided to make my thoughts public. I’ll get into more detail after but please read the following poem, which is one of my many inspirations for this blog.

Learn With Every Goodbye 

After a while, you learn the subtle difference 

and between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 

And company doesn't mean security, 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 

And presents aren't promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With the grace of a woman, 

not the grief of a child, 

And learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight 

And after a while, you learn 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.  

So you plant your own garden 

and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure… 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth 

And you learn 

and learn… 

With every goodbye, you learn. 

My name is Callie and I am twenty-two years old. In my short life time I have had a relatively normal upbringing with some rough patches here and there – but hey who doesn’t have those in their life? I’ve battled anxiety for the better portion of my life and fear a lot of things, but mainly the future, because nothing is ever certain.

In February 2011, I lost a dear friend to suicide, and little did I know this wouldn’t be my first tragic goodbye. Rachel, a close friend I met in college, had battled a long and hard fought war against a brain injury caused by a car accident. I became really close to her during the last few months of her life because like her I suffer from times of deep depression. I had long talks, walks and cuddles with Rach, all in an effort to try and help her beat the slump she was in. I remember talking to her mom shortly after she passed and she said something along the lines of, “little did we know that the bump in the road we thought she had to get over in order to get better; well it was really a mountain”. We just could not see the magnitude of her pain.  

When she passed I didn't know how to respond. This was my first major loss (not including grandparents and great-grandparents) that I had ever experienced. Now I won't go into detail of how I managed to handle this loss because trust me there was a lot of crying, sleeping, writing and maybe a little screaming - but hey that's completely normal, but ultimately it’s not what I'm here to write about (but if you’re reading this and you want to ask questions about grieving I’d be more than happy to talk to anyone about my experience).

After a year and a half I have managed to accept (with resistance!) and find happiness in Rachel’s death.
Now, my second goodbye came a little more than a month ago. August 6^th 2012, my boyfriend Walter passed away after a cliff jumping accident. I can truly say that losing Rachel has prepared me for this. It doesn’t make me okay with it, and it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but you learn healthy ways to release your sadness and to cope.

Anyways enough of that! Drum roll please. I’m here to talk about all the things that I have learned from death. Now there are big things and there a little ones. My hope is to tell my story and to maybe enlighten someone with the lessons I’ve taken away from my tragic experiences.

Death does something to you, it’s unexplainable. You start to see life differently.