saddest ever

So today has been  of those days where all I did was think. I noticed that I've been on edge since my Mom left, so I think tonight was my breaking point. Also I've been questioning my emotions lately because I've found myself to be invincible to anything that has to do with Wally. Looking at pictures or talking about him didn't seem to phase me. I guess that's because I'm numb? Mama Spearing says it's the way our bodies help us to cope. It naturally gives us things to sort through our sorrow and does so in little increments rather than all at once.

Tonight, I was looking through pictures from the summer and I noticed in one of my favourite photos of the two of us that Walt was looking at me. For some reason I had the sudden urge to see the expressions on our faces. Da da da dummm, ladies and gents that's how you get Callie to cry like a baby.

Looking at this brings me back only two short months ago when you couldn't pull me off him. I looked at Walter once while we were in the car and in a serious tone I told him that he has made me the happiest I ever remember being. And truly he did. He used to look at me after we argued or sometimes just asked me in the heat of the moment 'happiest ever?' Of course I would reply with yes. Everyday, I miss being this happy, but mostly I miss him, and it hurts so much to feel these things. Deep down I know that doing things with my life (like being on Manitoulin Island) will help, and I know that I'm strong enough to try and be productive, but sometimes I just need to allocate some time to cry. And that's okay, I'm allowed. So, lesson # I've lost count is give yourself permission to lay in bed for a day and wear you PJs, cry or do any of the other things that make you feel good, but make sure not to let it become a habit. 

As for the title of this post, it comes from when I held Wally's hand in the hospital and begged him not to make me the 'saddest ever' and unfortunately even though I'm grateful for the time I got to spend with him, and I had the chance to make some of the most amazing memories with him, I can't remember a time in my life when I was ever this sad. 

Hopefully tomorrow is brighter.